Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
