Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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