My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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