I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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