It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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