Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My vagina is officially offended.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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