I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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