So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
