her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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