anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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