Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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