I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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