There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
