Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I can't turn off my feet"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
