Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
