I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
