you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
