I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
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Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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