Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
home. puking in laundry basket.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
