So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐