my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
