You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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