dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
