Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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