Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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