Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
