You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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