Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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