Where are you?
In a non slutty way
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
