My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
