the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
