I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
