maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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