her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i think i just lost a toe
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
