between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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