Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
