I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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