oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
