life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh god the rape fog is back!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
