its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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