From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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