hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
