I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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