I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
