my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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