just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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