Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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