8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
