My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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