I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
