she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
