My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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