So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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