My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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