Small penises have feelings too.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
