He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
