Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We need to get me chipped asap
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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