Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
