apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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