we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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