He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
