never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
